The Icing On The Cake

Ok, so there weren't plastic spiders in the ice cubes. I got a little lazy, and as my Polish nanny used to say, "I chave two hands, only!"

But here are the highlights of Elan's reptile safari birthday party:

1. Spending two hours last night frosting a snake-cake with Y, after the kids were asleep, covering the coffee table and much of the rest of the apartment in lime-green frosting, each of us attacking one end of the curvy shape with a knife in hand:

"Is there any way to make the frosting look smoother? It looks so shlocky..."
"I don't think you can expect a perfectly-glazed surface. But you've definitely got to smear it on MUCH thicker. Be generous! See, look at mine...Doesn't it look great?"
"No, actually, yours looks terrible too."
"Really? I thought it looked professional."
"It doesn't."
"Hmmm. We should probably add more gummy frogs."



2. Elan coming into the transformed yard, just as I finished hanging streamers in shades of green and cursing myself for working so hard on the decorations in such hot weather. His entire face brightening, jaw dropping open, as he hugs me and tells me it "looks great!"

3. A guest who worked for years in the restaurant business looking horrified as I place sour cream dips on tables outside in party area:

"Are those sour cream-based? Because if they are, you need to put them in ice bowls or everyone is going to get salmonella."
"Do you think? In two hours? I doubt they'd spoil so quickly..."
"Oh, they'll taste fine. But everyone will get salmonella, no question."
"Shit. I'll get ice-bowls." (Runs to prepare them. Upon returning, frantic:)
"Did I say sour cream? I meant mayonnaise. With mayo you get salmonella in the heat. Sour cream dips are fine. And the ice-bowls you brought are insulated, so they wouldn't have helped anyways."

Thanks. Or as Elan used to say, "Nu nu, pish pish."

4. Finding out that the super-tan, blond, safari-clad Reptile Man's name was Thor.

5. Elan's face when presented with a set of Power Ranger pajamas and Spiderman underwear from his aunt and uncle before the party began - as if he thought he might actually swoon, right then and there, from the weight of sheer ecstasy. He told me he'd "never had any'hing like them before," which isn't true at all. He already has Power Ranger underwear and superhero pajamas. Apparently, though, there is no comparison to getting them on your birthday.

6. Thor's face when pulling enormous, and sometimes fearsome reptiles from wicker baskets, explaining their natural habitats, defense-mechanisms, and Elan's best friend Kevin asking, at every pause: "But what will it do if we try to kill it?"

7. Thor punctuating each sentence out of his mouth with an exaggerated, "For sure!" Each and every sentence. For sure! For an hour. Imagine it. There are witnesses reading this blog who can back me up here: 'twas good.

8. Elan assuming that any question beginning "Will the birthday boy.." naturally included his portable security blanket, Kevin, with the affect such that Kevin appeared to be his twin brother, or alternately, his right leg.

Y and me cringing at how cliquey Elan is turning out to be, as Thor asks Elan to choose another child from the crowd to join them in holding a snake, and Elan proudly answers, "Only me and Kevin. Or Joey. Or just me and Joey. Or me and Kevin. Or me, Joey, Kevin and nobody else."

9. Y holding me back from smacking Elan out of embarrassment for myself, and sympathy for the rest of the attendees.

10. Assigning the cinematography to my brother, The Stooge. He's always been the designated filmer, is fine with the role and the best at it. Today, while Thor whips out a three-foot-long iguana, I glance at the LCD on my bro's camera to confirm that he's getting Elan's priceless reaction shot, and instead, I see the screen is zoomed-in and filled with the beautiful mug of Stooge's baby girl, gurgling in her mother's arms, yards behind the captive audience inside the house.

I elbow him in the ribs, startling him. "FO-CUS!" through gritted teeth.
"Oops!" He whips the camera back to the birthday boy. "There's just only so much I can take!"

Fatherhood has changed him. He shouldn't quit his day job.

11. Me, trying to cut and serve the enormous cake, which I've made in portions of Devil's Food, vanilla with sprinkles, strawberry, and plain white. The twenty-some kids shoving their plates under my nose and shouting out their orders:

"ChoCOLATE! Choooooocolaaaaaaaate, over here!"
"Strawberry! I WANT STRAWBERRY!!! CAN I HAVE STRAWBERRY?"
"Didjou hear me say vanilla?? ELAN'S MOMMY! DIDJOU HEAR ME SAY VANILLA?? BUT THE ONE WITH SPRINKLES??"

Me, scrambling to fill the orders, green frosting covering my forearms and half my skirt, terrified to slow down lest the monsters get too impatient, decide to forgo the cake, and simply eat me alive, the way they seem about to.

Ariel saving the day by suddenly deciding that he needed to be held by his mommy, establishing his sanctuary amidst the chaos, forcing me to delegate the cake-cutting to someone else.

12. Y and me in the car home, exhausted and laden down with presents, and him telling me in Hebrew, so that Elan won't understand, that the Reptile Man neglected to bring everything they'd promised. Me, not understanding Y's rusty linguistics, until he mentions the word "millipede," in reference to the Giant African species that didn't show up with Thor.

Elan immediately catching onto our conversation, and letting us know that while he "loved the day," he was sad that some "'hings", like scorpions and millipedes, didn't make their anticipated appearances.

13. Elan then deciding that since the cat was already out of the bag, there was no point in holding back any other complaints he might have, and informing us that he was also expecting the snake cake to be much larger than it actually was. Sensing my hurt (Blood sweat and tears, baby - that's what went into making that cake!), though, he was quick to admit, that he did "'hink it was cool, anyway."

14. Ariel wanting to open a Power Ranger sword present that Elan had already decided he was saving for Purim (in March), throwing a tantrum at Elan's refusal, Elan attempting to appease Ariel by tricking him into thinking a toy screwdriver was another P.R. sword, and Ariel letting him know that he wasn't going to be "falling for that F---ing S--t any F---ing longer, did he look like an F---ing Idiot?!"
At least, that's what Y and I thought it looked like he was thinking.

15. Tucking Elan into bed tonight, leaning down to wrap him in a hug, kiss him and whisper, "Goodnight, Birthday Boy."

Him, smiling up at me sleepily, arms still around my neck, whispering back, "Thank you, Mommy. Because I am a birthday boy." His smile widening. "Because I'm 4 years old."

16. Me, knowing full-well that his actual birthday isn't until Wednesday, and seeing no reason at all to tell him.